I’ve been reflecting on the sudden passion and urge I feel to write and share and how this is such a change from my 9 years of living in a dark and depressing place of loneliness and seclusion. I look back on my life, even at this moment, with tears in my eyes, and wonder how I have made it thru so many years of struggling with depression, anxiety, guilt, anger….hopelessness. Depression in all its negative forms attack the mind and enslaves the soul. A disease in so many aspects, a disease in which I thought I would never find a cure for, nor any kind of consistent relief. I remember so many times wanting to die, or run away. I can recall many times, planning an escape, figuring out in my mind how I could just disappear in the least dramatic way so that it wouldn’t hurt my kids and husband too much. I remember feeling such loathing for myself, that I would literally crawl in a ball and cry out for mercy, hoping that I wouldn’t be consumed by the darkness, but then wondering if I was, that maybe my heart would just stop beating and I would be free. I remember one day after having my third baby, sitting on a street corner and literally not being able to move because of the sadness and despair and hopelessness I felt. I ended up picking myself up off the curb and calling the suicide hotline asking for help. These are just a few scenes from the never-ending roller coaster of a journey that my family and I have been riding. Yet, now, today I feel it’s distance. Where there has been hopelessness and darkness, there is a brightness of hope, a surety of peace. Where I could barely muster the desire to pull myself out of bed, now there is a fire and a passion that burns and drives me to stand, to speak, to listen, uplift and love others. I’ve pondered so many times on the miracle that I am even still here, that I have a desire now to live and to love. There are a few reasons for this miraculous change,and the one that stands out most to me today, and that ultimately is the answer, is God’s grace, His Love and His ultimate wisdom.
As today is Christmas, and Christmas is the celebration of God’s Beloved Son, I thought it fitting that these thoughts have been running thru me. This is what I know…. I know that Jesus, my personal Savior, has done just this…personally saved me. He has saved me, my soul, from an awful fate and he has saved me from having to feel the effects of guilt, hate, anger, hurt and pride all my life. At the same time, He has saved me to be a voice of hope. He has saved me so I could stand as a witness of His mighty power to heal and to rescue. He has saved me so I could experience His powerful love and testify of it. I know that He has never left my side, that he has always stood by me, watched over me and lifted me up. This is why I am now here today, with a love and hope burning brightly. In a society where others forget him, discard him, dismember him, and mock him…I stand by Him and for Him. I realize that in His hands, we heal, we overcome, we live and we can love with great power. He has saved us all in hopes that we will be a manifestation of love and goodness in this world. We are not alone, we are never alone. Know this….now is your time to be free, to be happy and to manifest the godliness that is in you. You have a purpose….a mission, that you have been called to do. Rise Up! Take courage in Christ…and know that what you need is on it’s way, and when your miracle comes….accept it with full heart and run with it!