The other day I found myself driving down the highway, listening to Alanis Morsette and crying! As I listened, the words struck me to the very core:
That I would be good even if I did nothing,
That I would be good even if i got the thumbs down,
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick,
that I would be good even if i gained ten pounds….
that i would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that i would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that i would be grand if I was not all knowing….
I painfully realized that somewhere along my life journey I picked up on the lie that who I am is not good enough. Not only did I let that lie sit in my mind, but I took it into my heart and believed it to be true. I have been spending years playing that out and pushing myself beyond exhaustion to prove that I AM good enough. I have wasted so much time and energy aligning myself with others expectations, judgements and limitations. I have been consumed with concern of how my actions look to other people and striving to please others so that I could have the reward of recognition and feeling good enough. The sad thing is….there has been no change or reward, only the continued feelings of worthlessness, hurt and shame. I’ve gone the other way also and have played it small so I wouldn’t make others uncomfortable or cause them to shun me! No wonder I have felt crazy, depressed or both for so many years!
Why? Why have I done this? I don’t know all the reasons….but this I do know….. I’m Done. I’m taking back my own personal power, the power to choose who I want to be, and to respect who I am already. I’m choosing to love myself for who I am, and see myself thru God’s eyes. I ‘m choosing to not let others define who I am, my worth or my capabilities. I’m choosing to be more concerned with loving and accepting myself unconditionally and allowing God to work through me, not limiting myself or what He can do. I no longer choose to be limited by other people’s negative perceptions and opinions, and I no longer choose to believe the Lie that I am not good enough.
I believe that there is great power in realizing that a change just starts with a simple act of choosing. I have been given the god given right and power to choose, we all have. I believe that when I come to the God in Heaven and ask him to walk with me and to guide me and to show me who I am in his eyes and fill me with his unconditional love, He will. I have come to understand that this is where my strength to do hard things and my ability to seperate myself from untrue beliefs and others false perceptions and judgements will come from, through Christ. When I choose God first, and I follow His voice and His counsel and I allow myself to see myself through His eyes, I am truly free. Free to choose who I want to be, free from others definitions and opinions, free from shame, guilt and untruths. His love heals me and sets me free to be my best self. I’m striving to reach higher, use my personal power to CHOOSE my actions and turning to God for strength to do these things. I choose to believe that I AM GOOD ENOUGH! What are you choosing to believe today?