Some of us, when we go thru challenging experiences, pull inward and shut everyone out, and some of us reach out and let others in to help. I am one who tends to pull in and shut others out because I feel such shame for feelings of anger, hurt, hopelessness. I feel shame if I am not handling the challenge with positiveness and forgiveness and if I am not able to function normally from day to day. I feel guilty if I feel the need to heavily rely on others and for the inability to hold it together at times. but I realize I also feel so unloveable and unworthy of love, feelings that are rooted from my experiences as a child, especially those of sexual abuse and actions that extended from those. It is thru the recent experience of going through a difficult seperation in my marriage that I realize the healing is in not bearing the burden alone, the healing is in asking others to bear it with you, to help you carry the load, to allow their love to sustain you. I have come to realize that love in all it’s many forms and actions is where the power to move forward comes, because in love, their is healing and when we begin to heal we become more powerful in being able to love others unconditionally.
As I was crying out to God the other night and asking him to help me through the pain and release the fear and pain from every part of my body, I realize so much of the pain came from me believing that I was not loveable, not worthy of love. I realize it is the reason why I was shutting people out and why I was beginning to feel so hopeless and lost. I realized I have been punishing myself for parts of the painful process of this seperation, I have not been allowing God’s love to heal me, nor allowing his love thru others to sustain and uphold me. When I woke up this morning, I felt a deep longing to be around friends and loved ones to be a part of something.
It is thru the giving and receiving of love that we heal. It is pure love that empowers us to overcome our fears. And it is the fear of not being loved, of being rejected that we hide. I realize part of my learning right now, part of my uphill climb is to allow love back into my life, to open myself up for love, to release and give to God the old untrue beliefs that I am not loveable, to push against that, to challenge that very thought and to accept the fact that not only am I loveable in my worst of times but that I am WORTHY of LOVE. So today, I am going to reach out and make that phone call to my friend and my sister, I’m going to focus on loving and enjoying my children, and allowing myself to love and be loved in return. And thank God for another day to learn and love and overcome.